Dear Irene,

I used to bang my head so hard because I hated my thoughts, they were the product of my heavy emotions, it was a very complicated experience. I thought I’ve stopped dealing with all that, but turns out these days I’ve been just distracting myself from being too aware with all that while simultaneously experiencing them.

“Are you simply unhappy?”

Yes I am. I just couldn’t find any way to feel that one emotion. 

I keep on ruminating one thing. Do they feel like killing themselves too? If no, am I the problematic one? Back in 2019 I went for counseling. To fix my only issue. I thought back then, it was probably my thoughts. But what more could I do to help myself when the therapist acknowledged my issue and condition, my situation and surrounding but can’t change much about it? 

Is it having less resiliency that I should put into account? 

I kept my own hands from stabbing myself back when I was 16. The second one when I was 21. Am I simply so fucking weak for not being able to hold on anymore?! 

Stay strong, my dear. 

For how long do I have to endure this? 

For how long do I have to keep calm and feign impassiveness when each piece of my heart is shredding until there is nothing left to shred? It hurts so fucking bad so tell me HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO HOLD ON MORE?!

Don’t tell me “others had it worst. What about the ones fighting for their lives?” Cus that fucking hurts. You don’t know how it feels to be in this spot. If they fought their hardest life just to be thrown into a life like this, they would want to die too so DON’T  tell me that I am so ungrateful. That I am so weak. That others wish to have the things that I have. THEY WON’T.

They won’t ever want to go through everyday doing productive routines just to distract themselves from their problems but at the same time wishing that they are dead every day. THEY WON’T.

They wouldn’t want to be given the life I’m living in right now so don’t tell me that I am so ungrateful after everything. Why am I enduring this alone and others don’t feel like they want to kill themselves? Am I truly the main problem?

I have been so aggressive these days and I could not contain them at all. It’s like bursting bubbles. I have tried my best to put up an awareness and to provide the alternative ways of speaking without aggression but somehow when someone talks to me innocently, it’s like I go very tired and am so done that I ended up snapping at them. I feel so toxic.

I might be emotionally drained because I didn’t get to channel my thoughts as well as before while getting gaslighted every single day. I don’t know. But for one, I do realize the heave on my chest. I’ve been feeling suffocated by something, something so unknown. So controlled, too. I haven’t cried in awhile now, so it must be why I am this way lately. I don’t have any clue as to how should I channel my thoughts — let alone selecting a friend to talk about it to. I feel pitiful having to be this way, sounding too depressed. It’s fucked up. I wanted to handle this alone but I am too exhausted, that not even sleep can make me feel any better.