I don’t usually tag along when colleagues or friends organized pajamas parties. But this time, I did. With my workmates. The whole reason we were doing this was because each one of us would stop working at the same place someday, and that we will be far from one another. And truthfully, I feel the closest with these people, so close than any other friends could have ever been. Maybe because our dynamic is a mixture between professionalism and casual. And maybe because of common interests. 

Tonight, we sat in circle talking about the things that has been bugging us or anything interesting. All of us have psychology background, so we ended up making therapy sessions for each one and we gave feedbacks, thoughts and discussing about our conditions. When it was my turn, I had to talk about my struggles and it actually made me realize that I am deeply in denial about my condition. So they insisted me to ponder about “why am I alive, what’s the purpose?”

The casual counseling session in a dimly lit living room at 3 am somewhat harshly made me realize about things. For 7 years. I held on. So our only counselor in the room asked me, “what kept you going until today?” It was like a pang in my heart. What is it? I never realized that. I couldn’t reply. I had no answer.

The room fell silent as everyone was looking at me. Then she spoke again, “I want you to ponder about that, I want you to ask yourself, why are you still alive, what stopped you from killing yourself?” Shame. I was embarrassed. So I muttered, “I stayed on because of them.” I knew that was a wrong answer to her.

But she confronted me and put me in place again, “but they too are the reason you wanted to die.”

“What’s something about YOU that makes you hold on until today?”

I fell quiet again. I truthfully had nothing to back myself up with. I hate that feeling, being put in a place like that. But she’s right. “— Because you don’t even have any will to live at all anymore now. And without that reason, you could have done anything irreversible to yourself at anytime now. So I want you to figure that out.” But I never wanted to be bothered with reasons and why I want to live. Because it will make me stay. I know deeply, just how much I want to stop existing.

Self-sabotaging.

Denial.

I know that. 

What if my purpose in this life is just to find that purpose?

But until when?

Until I die.

Stop it.

They were letting me dive deep into myself. It made me realize too that I just feel too empty, and that there is no significant thing that I hold onto, that holds a heavy meaning in my life. Hence why I’m just too obsessed with collecting possessions, being materialistic — because unconsciously, I want to fill in that void. I just don’t realize that all the time. 

It’s pointless because I can’t use my family as the reason. It’s cruel for me.

But as for now, I still don’t know yet. I do not feel bothered to know because I feel like it’s too pointless.