Don’t be so cruel.

Do I really have to choose?

Can’t I just disassociate myself away from it?

Nowadays I keep on reflecting about all of my repressed emotions and thoughts, and why I did things the way I did before.

I should be happy that I found the answers, but rather, it makes me realize how fucked up things are.

I understood that you were traumatized and that you just couldn’t find a way out of this. And I know I would be so selfish if I keep telling you to hold on things for me, for us. 

But the truth is, I don’t know what should I do too. This issue is so much bigger than what I can handle so if you’re telling me I should do this and that, not this nor that — I don’t know. I don’t want to keep receiving instructions until the day I die about how I should live my life. The fact that I’ve dealt with all these ever since I was… 13.. I was just a child, and 10 years later I feel so stuck as if that was all that I could offer. There’s nothing else. 

It’s like, ever since I was born until I get old, that is all I have to deal with. 

So when others tell me, get out, there’s more that life could offer, I just. cannot. understand.

And all my life, I express my feelings and thoughts through writing, and even so, I feel guilty to write without filters because I feel so guilty if my anonymous readers would consider these individuals are the bad characters. No, and I feel so guilty because writing about all that makes me feel as if I love them less. No. I love them with all my heart, but I am just so angry, that rather than I am filled with unconditional love, I feel guilty because I’m angry at the people that I love.

Or maybe I just keep on overthinking things again, maybe I wallow so much on my darkest feelings again. But how do I escape this? I cannot cut this rope.