It was all long gone and I thought — no, I believed I was faking things when I felt anxious about the public before. But two years have passed and all my internal dramatic nonsenses were managed, especially when I had 24 months of isolation. However, I didn’t build enough resilience to overcome my public anxiety. After two years, I decided to come out and recharge with my closed ones, only the people who directly mean so much to me. But when a friend said that she heard things about me through a call, I instantly sensed the panic washed over my face. No. Fucking. Way. But that was my perfectionist side screaming.

Everything about this makes me want to hide away even more. I’m NOT shy. Because I am definitely a performer and I like to stand out, but at the same time there are the parts of me that I’m not entirely proud of nor feel the need to expose. But I like to be real and wear it like a skin. Why do people talk anyway? Is that what they do best?

Putting aside my feelings, I believed everyone understood that not everyone is either too bad or too good. It’s not black and white. But I guess, that’s the topic that I’m going to ponder about this time. 

Black and white. 

Dark and lumière. 

For someone who knows me too deep will understand that I don’t favour nor like to see things in one side. I rigidly like balance. But I think people like to limit their definitions and descriptions about me, as if I’m supposed to just be someone who is that, and not this; instead of she is this but she is also that. Is it soooo hard?

Some days, I felt envious of those that have big circle of friends because I could never experience that, and never did I. But I shook it off because I am certain that this is enough for me. I know a lot of names and they know mine and my reputation, but I feel slightly better letting them define me however they wanted without knowing any hint of my deepest form rather than knowing me that deeply but misinterpreting my personality as if I never showed them her. 

But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I am totally fine with people calling me mean things. Because I crave to have the people who wants to understand and stay with me throughout every process too. But for now, I’ll just wipe my eyes and shrug it off. 

To me, big number of friends = big bursting bubbles of mean words that doesn’t let me progress = unstable relationships.