Dear Irene, 

Usually on days like this that I deeply loathe myself, Fromm as tender as my resilience and esteem, to my capability to grow & fight. And it’s usually on days like this when I deeply loathe how I physically look, on every curse an edges of my facial shape, to my unworthiness of love.

Curse the existing of fathers 

Who took pride in birthing newborns

Yet at the same time 

Neglects his growing children.

While being a smart woman,

You must be thankful,

Praying to God for prospering you

With the wealth you gained

From taking up their rights.

After all, life is all fair for you,

Earning good things despite not using 

The methods that are blessed; 

Yet it is a blessed life. 

And that God love all of you.

And that God hate all of us.

And that in this paradise of sins,

You win.

Dear Irene,

It feels terrible to act or feel vulnerable nowadays. 

It’s like I loathe every softness I feel within the chambers of my heart, and I feel weak to have one shoulder to rely on.

And every time I catch myself indulging in the comfort of my own femininity, it makes me want to disappear and to “man up”. And I catch myself loathing towards the thought of being with a man and sharing romance with one. 

I could have sworn that I was just one step towards building a healthy connection with someone to experience love, but now my brain decided that I have to just forget that idea. I can do things on my own.

Dear Irene,

I’m sure you still recalled the kind of words I used to utter during my dark days and how I felt like life led me to nowhere, and constantly back to the limbo. 

But late last year I took one step to peek over the darkness to find one light. It was still very dim, especially when I reached at the end of the tunnel early this year. I still felt like maybe the light was dimming quick and would be gone again — that I won’t find it. However I let the dimming light navigate me forward, and now I found a new goal to accomplish. Maybe it’s not my ultimate goal, maybe it’s just the tiny goal that I have to accomplish in this short episode. But for once, I feel certain that my life has a meaning.

Dear Irene, 

My faith in men is slowly ebbing. 

And this time, I don’t want to help it at all.

 I'd be lying if I say I wasn't even affected.

Things they didn't tell you more about growing up with parents that live separately is how their children will have more than one home to come to. They're always stuck in between, and going back and forth. Leaving the room they grew up in (the only place where they feel belong) behind, and constantly on the move. No one really talked about how any one of the eldest children are forced to be mature at such a very young age to nurture their younger siblings - and selling off their childhood because of that. Growing up in their mid twenties, they feel like the life they're living in does not fulfill their needs. By 25 they probably feel uncomfortable, they feel somewhat childish whilst having a mature body. They wants to play like a child, getting piggy backs like a child, getting their forehead kissed like a child. But those things that they're supposed to get when they were a child were absent, because they were already matured back then. 

These grown children are also forced to take the parents issues & drama as theirs. While juggling between studies, work, (let alone) play, they have to take up the role of a mature adult to calm the other two adults when they are conflicted while protecting the younger siblings.

And just like that, they don't know their actual place, where they can feel belong. Because they spent years of growing up making everyone else feel at home and find their home while they are stuck in the elders' problems. 

Hi Irene, 

At this present life, I feel like I have so much to offer. At times, I do feel useless and worthless — those are just my moments of weakness haha. But nowadays, I am capable of more. I have always helped people to manage their lives ever since I was so young, and I failed before because I never put myself first. But now I can confidently say that I can do many things in my 24 hours. Managing my life, as well as others’, work, house chores, self-maintenance, spiritual routine. This is literally the kind of balance that I have always needed. I had the need to write this out because I never thought that I could do this before. I have always thought that my time was limited, and that I was controlled by time.