Hi Irene, 

At this present life, I feel like I have so much to offer. At times, I do feel useless and worthless — those are just my moments of weakness haha. But nowadays, I am capable of more. I have always helped people to manage their lives ever since I was so young, and I failed before because I never put myself first. But now I can confidently say that I can do many things in my 24 hours. Managing my life, as well as others’, work, house chores, self-maintenance, spiritual routine. This is literally the kind of balance that I have always needed. I had the need to write this out because I never thought that I could do this before. I have always thought that my time was limited, and that I was controlled by time.

I have grown so much from who I was a year ago. I think I like my condition better on this day because I am less timid and I’m so much braver now to encounter tougher experiences. Although I do admit that staying the same feels comfortable and safer, but as time progress towards a day, to a week, then a month — staying the same feels insipid. Growth gives a brand new meaning for me and it asserts new belief in me about myself, about my aim, about my position. Although I was a product of the past experiences that I went through, but they are just the layers of me as I went through various levels to becoming better now and onwards.   

I’ve come to terms with my new life, quieter, with controlled emotions and high consciousness of my actions and thoughts. It feels peaceful to talk less about the things that does not matter to most, not getting my psychological reactions misinterpreted and defined recklessly based on defensiveness that comes from my own. At last because not everything is about me, and humans tend to careless about my underlying process and undergoing maintenance. That’s just how a life is, humans accept the best result that works for them. Though I don’t condone unhealthy submissiveness on myself, there are things that I have yet to figure out and experience, constructive feedbacks are necessary in building some new perspective. Just as long as my work ethics don’t derail far way to perfectionism and under par. 

Hi, my anonymous readers.

My last writing was back in August, and after that I disappeared from this realm without any trace. Maybe I owe you an explanation — just a little bit.

I have been busy for months, juggling between my responsibilities: work, family and personal stuff. Months later my life had a massive transition and I am somewhere I would not have expected me to live in. Life does this funny thing to you, especially when you are an adult. It takes you to some twists and turns, and onto an unknown road — without a map and clear navigation, less familiar roads that sometimes you gotta force yourself to make a halt and cogitate on your life choices. You clearly have zero clue on what should you do, and that you are on your own ride. There will be some passerby to help illuminating your thoughts a little but they won’t ride with you. 

At that current moment I know that I was just taking my time to find my own destination — I’m not stuck.

But sometimes I beat myself up because I’m not as good as others when I see them carrying on with their lives. Yet I proceed with this life knowing I had no familiar things around me. 

This major transition derailed me away from taking care about myself — mind you, that’s the cons; and I know that I urgently need to despite of the fact that everything hasn’t fall into the right places, yet. Sigh. But you see, it is overwhelming. My supposition wants me to handle everything all at once. 

However I tried to come up with a mental rule that no matter what, early or late, I cannot get out of my realm of words. I should always and always come back here to vomit my brain out.

Hi you,

I’m trying my best to keep up with the writing of my daily or weekly thoughts — the ones that are so intense especially.

Here goes one thing. 

I noticed lately that I have been so aggressive in the way I behave, the way I talk. You could possibly notice that by seeing me talking fast and in a much higher tone, and when I walk quite stompingly and fast as if I am frantic. I took note on when somebody told me why did I appear like I was rushing? I pondered about it for awhile whilst trying to slow down my pace and get in the rhythm. I probably produced this impulse outward because I have been overwhelmed with some internal processes. What are the internal processes exactly? I think I know them, but I cannot tell you. 

Experiencing all these make me feel like I’m frantically leaping everywhere to deal with one thing that I had no idea about but in all honesty, I prefer it this way so I know that there’s a negative energy somewhere that can produce a good impact at the end. It’s like the August from last year, I sublimated my anger with excessive “some things” and it produced even more good things. 

It put me into some kind of realization that I am in a cycle, it is unhealthy for now, because I couldn’t stay consistent with certain good habits (e.g: taking supplements, going for daily walk to get the sun) cus I haven’t been able to flex my way from this to that yet. I just keep on ruminating in my head that; balance. Practice balance first! So, I guess I will tell you how it goes later. 

Dear Irene,

I haven’t cried this hard for 1 year. I am sobbing pathetically loud as I write this like it was 2020 again. I have poor methods of expressing my emotions and thoughts now, and it feels like I am back to repressing every single little issues again. Why am I this way? I need new methods of dealing with this. I’ve been clean for almost a year now. But when I feel this intensely, it drives me to sh again. I know I have to stop it. It’s addictive, and it’s also the only method that I know for now, but I want to stop feeling negative too. Stop, this..burst..this bubble— I don’t know what kind of thing I’m stuck in right now but I just want to get out of this. Please.

Irene. I am extremely exhausted. I cannot think, Irene. I cannot feel. 

The difference between me and a dead man is that my brain is so alive. 

But I cannot function. 

Irene. 

How do I do this?

Dear Irene,

I used to bang my head so hard because I hated my thoughts, they were the product of my heavy emotions, it was a very complicated experience. I thought I’ve stopped dealing with all that, but turns out these days I’ve been just distracting myself from being too aware with all that while simultaneously experiencing them.

“Are you simply unhappy?”

Yes I am. I just couldn’t find any way to feel that one emotion. 

I keep on ruminating one thing. Do they feel like killing themselves too? If no, am I the problematic one? Back in 2019 I went for counseling. To fix my only issue. I thought back then, it was probably my thoughts. But what more could I do to help myself when the therapist acknowledged my issue and condition, my situation and surrounding but can’t change much about it? 

Is it having less resiliency that I should put into account? 

I kept my own hands from stabbing myself back when I was 16. The second one when I was 21. Am I simply so fucking weak for not being able to hold on anymore?! 

Stay strong, my dear. 

For how long do I have to endure this? 

For how long do I have to keep calm and feign impassiveness when each piece of my heart is shredding until there is nothing left to shred? It hurts so fucking bad so tell me HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO HOLD ON MORE?!

Don’t tell me “others had it worst. What about the ones fighting for their lives?” Cus that fucking hurts. You don’t know how it feels to be in this spot. If they fought their hardest life just to be thrown into a life like this, they would want to die too so DON’T  tell me that I am so ungrateful. That I am so weak. That others wish to have the things that I have. THEY WON’T.

They won’t ever want to go through everyday doing productive routines just to distract themselves from their problems but at the same time wishing that they are dead every day. THEY WON’T.

They wouldn’t want to be given the life I’m living in right now so don’t tell me that I am so ungrateful after everything. Why am I enduring this alone and others don’t feel like they want to kill themselves? Am I truly the main problem?

I have been so aggressive these days and I could not contain them at all. It’s like bursting bubbles. I have tried my best to put up an awareness and to provide the alternative ways of speaking without aggression but somehow when someone talks to me innocently, it’s like I go very tired and am so done that I ended up snapping at them. I feel so toxic.

I might be emotionally drained because I didn’t get to channel my thoughts as well as before while getting gaslighted every single day. I don’t know. But for one, I do realize the heave on my chest. I’ve been feeling suffocated by something, something so unknown. So controlled, too. I haven’t cried in awhile now, so it must be why I am this way lately. I don’t have any clue as to how should I channel my thoughts — let alone selecting a friend to talk about it to. I feel pitiful having to be this way, sounding too depressed. It’s fucked up. I wanted to handle this alone but I am too exhausted, that not even sleep can make me feel any better. 

Don’t be so cruel.

Do I really have to choose?

Can’t I just disassociate myself away from it?

Nowadays I keep on reflecting about all of my repressed emotions and thoughts, and why I did things the way I did before.

I should be happy that I found the answers, but rather, it makes me realize how fucked up things are.

I understood that you were traumatized and that you just couldn’t find a way out of this. And I know I would be so selfish if I keep telling you to hold on things for me, for us. 

But the truth is, I don’t know what should I do too. This issue is so much bigger than what I can handle so if you’re telling me I should do this and that, not this nor that — I don’t know. I don’t want to keep receiving instructions until the day I die about how I should live my life. The fact that I’ve dealt with all these ever since I was… 13.. I was just a child, and 10 years later I feel so stuck as if that was all that I could offer. There’s nothing else. 

It’s like, ever since I was born until I get old, that is all I have to deal with. 

So when others tell me, get out, there’s more that life could offer, I just. cannot. understand.

And all my life, I express my feelings and thoughts through writing, and even so, I feel guilty to write without filters because I feel so guilty if my anonymous readers would consider these individuals are the bad characters. No, and I feel so guilty because writing about all that makes me feel as if I love them less. No. I love them with all my heart, but I am just so angry, that rather than I am filled with unconditional love, I feel guilty because I’m angry at the people that I love.

Or maybe I just keep on overthinking things again, maybe I wallow so much on my darkest feelings again. But how do I escape this? I cannot cut this rope. 

I don’t usually tag along when colleagues or friends organized pajamas parties. But this time, I did. With my workmates. The whole reason we were doing this was because each one of us would stop working at the same place someday, and that we will be far from one another. And truthfully, I feel the closest with these people, so close than any other friends could have ever been. Maybe because our dynamic is a mixture between professionalism and casual. And maybe because of common interests. 

Tonight, we sat in circle talking about the things that has been bugging us or anything interesting. All of us have psychology background, so we ended up making therapy sessions for each one and we gave feedbacks, thoughts and discussing about our conditions. When it was my turn, I had to talk about my struggles and it actually made me realize that I am deeply in denial about my condition. So they insisted me to ponder about “why am I alive, what’s the purpose?”

The casual counseling session in a dimly lit living room at 3 am somewhat harshly made me realize about things. For 7 years. I held on. So our only counselor in the room asked me, “what kept you going until today?” It was like a pang in my heart. What is it? I never realized that. I couldn’t reply. I had no answer.

The room fell silent as everyone was looking at me. Then she spoke again, “I want you to ponder about that, I want you to ask yourself, why are you still alive, what stopped you from killing yourself?” Shame. I was embarrassed. So I muttered, “I stayed on because of them.” I knew that was a wrong answer to her.

But she confronted me and put me in place again, “but they too are the reason you wanted to die.”

“What’s something about YOU that makes you hold on until today?”

I fell quiet again. I truthfully had nothing to back myself up with. I hate that feeling, being put in a place like that. But she’s right. “— Because you don’t even have any will to live at all anymore now. And without that reason, you could have done anything irreversible to yourself at anytime now. So I want you to figure that out.” But I never wanted to be bothered with reasons and why I want to live. Because it will make me stay. I know deeply, just how much I want to stop existing.

Self-sabotaging.

Denial.

I know that. 

What if my purpose in this life is just to find that purpose?

But until when?

Until I die.

Stop it.

They were letting me dive deep into myself. It made me realize too that I just feel too empty, and that there is no significant thing that I hold onto, that holds a heavy meaning in my life. Hence why I’m just too obsessed with collecting possessions, being materialistic — because unconsciously, I want to fill in that void. I just don’t realize that all the time. 

It’s pointless because I can’t use my family as the reason. It’s cruel for me.

But as for now, I still don’t know yet. I do not feel bothered to know because I feel like it’s too pointless.